Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Beyond Men's Room Etiquette

There is a very particular way to act in the men’s room. The rules are simple and straightforward, though people seldom talk about them. First of all, eyes straight ahead. Don’t look left and don’t look right. That spot on the wall right in front of you is the most interesting thing imaginable. The person next to you does not exist. If someone toots, try not to laugh. If a laugh slips out, conceal it as a cough. Remember, pretend the person is not there. In fact, if there are more than two urinals, skip one so that you can be farther away from the person in order to reassure them that you really aren’t going to engage them in conversation or sneak a peak. If there are only two urinals, better to go in the stall than to pull up next to someone. Most importantly: don't talk to anyone! Remember, pretend the others are not there. The rules are simple, and they make a certain amount of sense in the men’s room. I see a problem, however, when people use men’s room etiquette as a way of being in the world.

You’ve all seen it. You walk down the street and everyone else is staring straight ahead, or maybe they are looking at some interesting spot on the ground. They are determinedly looking anywhere except at you. In fact, if you are approaching someone on the sidewalk, they might even cross the street to avoid interacting with you. If you try to say something, they either completely ignore you or look at you like you've violated some sacred contract. Even in conversation with people I know, I find many of them avoiding my gaze, either looking down at their hands or playing with their blasted smart phone. It is as if they are allergic to eye contact. I understand that some people are socially awkward and that most people are introverts, but being introverted does not mean avoiding others or pretending they don't exist. That’s how we deal with people in the men’s room, not in everyday life.

I fear that people are becoming less comfortable in the physical presence of others. They do not know how to interact, so they revert to men’s room etiquette: eyes straight ahead, leave plenty of room, and don't talk. The reality is that many people spend more time interacting with a computer screen than with others. People are becoming more concerned with the characters on their favorite TV show than with people in real life. Even relationships that we have are increasingly impersonal. People in the same room communicate via text message rather than face-to-face. People have over 1,000 friends on a social media site, but they have few, if any, close relationships. Our fast-paced, technological world seldom allows for intentional, face-to-face interaction.

There is a profound sense of loneliness associated with this loss of face-to-face communication. Our human minds are programmed to respond to the human face. Infants form attachment patterns with the face of the primary caregiver in the earliest weeks of life. Much of our psychological and neurological development happens in relationship to the faces of others. James Loder insists that this human longing for the face has theological implications that turn the individual to the Face of the One who does not go away. Emmanuel Levinas writes about the ethical implications of this human need for the face, saying that the encounter with the "face of the other" gives definition to our own personhood and makes ethical claims upon us. If people are biologically programmed to respond to faces in ways that give rise to emotional, spiritual, and social well-being, there are profound consequences to the loss of face-to-face interaction. In many ways, losing the ability to interact with the face of the other is to risk our humanity.

As people concerned with the well-being of others, Christians need to seek out places of intentional encounter. This is especially true for those of us who minister with young people. More than any other generation, the young generation is socialized to avoid face-to-face interaction, and this is creating a warped sense of self, a distorted view of what constitutes reality (think of RPG avatars and “reality” TV), and a profound loneliness in the midst of the most connected world in history. One of the reasons I believe so strongly in the Christian camping experience is that it is a place of genuine human encounter. People who would normally not choose to be near one another are placed in communities that are completely unmediated by technology. If they do not get along, they cannot simply “unfriend” the other person or stare at the wall in front of them. They are forced to make sense of their otherness. This may not lead to a lifelong relationship, but it will lead to ethical encounter and face-to-face interaction that can shape their understanding of self in relationship to the world. Rather than searching for their identity as solitary individuals, the caring Christian community looks them in the eyes and proclaims who they are: Child of God.


Whether we take them to camp or find other “camp-like” places of intentional face-to-face encounter, we as ministers with young people need to find ways to get them away from men’s room etiquette. Stop looking at the ground! Stop looking at that spot on the wall! Stop looking at your smart phone! There is another person right in front of you. That person has deep hurts and profound longings. That person needs you to be the presence of Christ in their life right now. How can camp change the world? As an intentional place of face-to-face encounter.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Come and Die

Bonhoeffer said that following Christ is an invitation to "come and die." He is referring to the life-changing nature of following Christ that includes intense suffering. You are invited on a journey that passes through death to new life. March is here, and a specific invitation to Christ-following is taking place across the country. Now is the time when camp professionals race around to colleges and universities to recruit the young Christians that will make up the core of their camp communities this summer. Staff recruiting is an incredibly stressful process because there is so much at stake, but it is also filled with hope and expectation. The undeniable and rather frightening truth is that the summer staff experience has the potential to transform the lives of the staff members (not to mention the campers they will serve). It might be the subtle suggestion of a pastor, the overbearing encouragement of a friend, or the dumb luck of noticing the camp recruiting table in the student union that completely alters the young adult’s life. They turn in the application, not knowing fully what they are getting themselves into. It’s probably better that they don’t know.

As camp directors travel around to these colleges and universities trying to find the very best young people for their camp staff communities, they try shifty ways of convincing the young people to apply. They will tell you things like, “Serving on camp staff looks great on a job application!” or “You will acquire great practical skills that will serve you in whatever career you choose.” They will even go to great lengths to convince you that the first-year summer staff salary of $250 per week is actually a lot of money, since you do not have to worry about expenses like rent and food. To be fair, they are not technically lying to you when they tell you these things. However, they are not being entirely truthful, either. They know full well what will happen if you are hired to work on summer staff at their camp, but they also know that if they tried to describe it, you would go running for the hills. So they tell you nice fluffy stories to convince you that you should apply. Let me be clear: they are not being malicious; they are simply being prudent. They want the best people to work at their summer camp, and if they were entirely truthful with the applicants, only insane people would apply, and they wouldn't pass the required background check. I know you will forgive them. They are simply being practical.

If they were honest with you, it might sound something like this: If you work at our camp this summer, chances are you will never be the same. Your current ideas of God and the world will be challenged and probably completely changed. You will be stretched to your physical and emotional limits in a number of ways that may even push you past the breaking point. You will be more vulnerable than you have ever been in your life, and you will entrust your deepest secrets to people who are now perfect strangers. In a single day, you will experience deep sorrow that will penetrate to the core of your being and overwhelming joy that will make you physically nauseous. You will forge life-long relationships, and you will rethink the status of some of your current relationships. You will consider and probably decide on a completely different career path. Your words and actions will completely alter the life course of someone you come into contact with. Though you will probably never know that you affected them, they will never forget you. You will encounter someone going through previously unimaginable suffering. You will try desperately to help them but will never know if your efforts did any good. Through it all, you will be embedded in what will probably be the most loving and supportive intentional Christian community of your life, but this community is temporary. I wish I could tell you exactly what the experience is going to be like. However, the Holy Spirit is at work, and that’s a big wild card. We have no idea what the Spirit is going to do with you this summer. Chances are, it will be unexpected and at times uncomfortable. But it will be wonderful. Trust me.

I suppose there are reasons why camp professionals do not use "Come and Die!" as a recruiting slogan, but they all know what the camp experience is really about. It is not about job applications, salaries, fresh air, great tans, or playing fun games. It is about participating in the activity of God’s Spirit at work in very specific and powerful ways. If we talk about this too much, it will scare people to death. We don’t want that. We want them to work at summer camp because we believe that it has the power to change their lives for the better. I wish that every single Christian young person would work at summer camp at least one summer during their college years. I think we would have a better church and a better world. Do you know a young person or two who should consider working at camp? Mention it to them. It might change their lives!